My New Normal

I've been sitting here for about an hour reading some poems. In a way, I'm torturing myself. I'm reading sweet poems. Sweet poems about those that a police officer's wife writes about her husband. About those that a police officer's mother writes about her son. About those that a police officer's daughter writes about her dad.

Did I mention I'm reading the sweet poems?

I'm steering clear of reading the poems about the fallen officers. Steering clear!

Even still, while steering clear of those poems, I am reminded of the feelings and emotions that came over me just a few hours ago as Donal walked out the door. The same feelings and emotions that have come over me for 4 days of each week for the last 7 weeks. The same feelings and emotions that I will experience now for... well, a very long time. Tears stream down my cheeks because of the anxiety and the uncertainty that I feel every waking moment that I have while he's working. These feelings and emotions are new to me, especially when added to the thoughts, which I force to stay in the back of my mind, of all the things that could happen. I'm having to get used to spending more time by myself. At times, it's extra hard. And extra lonely. At times, it's good and peaceful... since he is just a big kid, you know. I'm having to find things to keep me occupied. Now, I can't seem to find an excuse as to why the laundry or the dishes aren't done. It does help, though, when I remember that there are many other spouses out there that are experiencing these same feelings. That's comforting because I realize these feelings that I'm experiencing are normal.

My new normal.

When the application became the fitness test. When the fitness became the interview. When the interview became the polygraph. When the polygraph became the psych test. When the psych test became the physical test. When the physical test became the oral review board interview. When the oral review board made the decision to offer. When the offer became day #1 of the academy. When day #1 became graduation day. To each new step that he passed and to each new day during this process, I asked God to give me peace with what I knew His plan had in store for us. Our new life. I knew from the beginning that this was right. The time was right. That Donal would make it all the way and that I would be right where I am today -- a police officer's wife.

While he was in the academy, I told him many times that he would have to decide carefully which stories from his shifts that he'd tell me about. I told him that I wouldn't want to know everything. That I wouldn't want to know about the scary moments. That I wouldn't want to know about the moments that scared him. Now I realize, I want to know every detail. I'm not sure what knowing every detail will do for me. I guess my hope is that it will help prepare me for the many stories ahead. Maybe hearing the bad things too, starting now, will ease my reaction to the bigger and the badder - yes, I said badder - that is bound to come sooner or later. Maybe, at some point, when I hear a certain 'every' detail, I will realize that maybe I don't need to hear it after all.

God has blessed us with this job. Donal loves every minute -- every single minute. And because he is loving every single minute of where he spends 40 hours 2400 minutes each week, it has poured over into our marriage. We've always been close, but we've both mentioned recently how much closer we feel. We laugh more. We talk more. We spend more quality time together. My prayers express my fears, which I plead for God to help me to lay at His feet. My prayers also express my thankfulness for His plan - this plan - that He had laid out for us and that we will so gladly follow. Each day is a gift and with this new normal, that gift has given us a whole new perspective on our life. And knowing and seeing how happy Donal is, I will take on this new normal and learn to love it. Okay... well, maybe not love it, but you know what I mean...

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God. Matthew 5:9